Went to a Reds game today. So THAT'S what Major League Baseball is like. I've just been to Twins games, so I didn't know.


Gorgeous stadium.


Inside and out.


That's MISTER Mr. Red, punk!

Just saw a commercial for Kellogg's Frosted Mini-Wheats that had the message, "keeps 'em full and keeps 'em focused," meaning kids.

Hey, it could happen. I certainly prefer that to certain other products and advertisements I could mention.

This isn't a Cincy-related pic. We took it on the way home from a cabin up north in Minnesota.

Yes, I know they're talking about furniture, but it still tickled me.

Got to Cincy a couple of hours ago, following a 12-hour drive through Iowa, Illinois and Indiana (screw Chicago and its traffic-n-tolls). Shortly into Indiana, I noticed a billboard for Hardee's that read:

MADE FROM SCRATCH BISCUITS
100% ANGUS BEEF THICKBURGERS

Maybe I was punchy from the road, or just too much of a stickler for punctuation*, but for a moment I thought that Indiana had some sort of truth-in-advertising law, and the sign meant that Hardee's Thickburgers were made out of a parts of Angus cows called "scratch biscuits."

[RADIO VOICE] Why pay up to eight dollars in a casual dining restaurant for the same burger you can get from Hardee's for less than four?

BECAUSE THEY'RE MADE OUT OF SCRATCH BISCUITS, THAT'S WHY!



*The sign should have read "MADE-FROM-SCRATCH BISCUITS" or "BISCUITS MADE FROM SCRATCH"

I leave very early Thursday morning for my maiden voyage to Cincinnati. I'll be featuring for Jimmy Pardo at Go Bananas. I've heard great things about the club, and judging from the names on their calendar, I think it's going to be a great fit (a perfect venue for my re-entry into standup after a month or so off).

I've never been to Cincy, much less Ohio, but I'm looking forward to it. As a matter of fact, I'm going to order 5-way chili here.

Hold the onions, extra cheese.

I'm not talking about anyone in particular, but it seems like every Gen-X or Gen-Y hipster has to take a moment to pontificate about how terrified they were of clowns as children. Please. You weren't anywhere near that scared of clowns and you know it. I'll grant that clowns have a small component of fear to them; I'll even grant that there is a small minority of children that are genuinely terrified by them, but don't pretend that you were one of them. You know damn well that when you were a kid, you were probably clamoring for one of Bingo's balloon animals, just like 99% of all children anywhere.

Childhood clown fear is to our generation what Woodstock is to the baby boomers. If all the people who claim to have been at Woodstock really were, it would have been ten million mud-caked hippies, instead of 600,000. If all people who claim to have been terrified by clowns as children really were, clowning would have been made illegal by 1978.

MY 15-month old is in Full Babble Mode. Her words are minimal, but the stream of sound and facial expressions are in full sentences. At day care, she will sit and talk with another toddler, both of them babbling. Do they share an instinctive secret language that all humans know at 15 months and then forget? What are they talking about?

TODDLER 1: I just can't seem to get my mom to pay attention to me...

TODDLER 2: (brief pause) Have you tried biting?

Graffiti on door of a convenience store bathroom:


If I'd had a pen on me, I would have added ...for Lent.

I finally figured out how to e-mail phone camera pics to myself. Now, I just need to learn how to take good ones. Bear with me.

And now, some pictures:


This is a giant statue that stands in Riverside Park in my hometown of La Crosse, WI. I believe he is Hiawatha, but I always knew him as The Big Indian. There used to be a pushbutton recording of his voice explaining, among other things, the "indian legend" that states the area is tornado-proof because it is located where three rivers meet (The La Crosse River, The Black River, and the Mississippi). I believe it's even odds that the local tribes were merely screwing with the traders and settlers.


This is the site of the late, lamented Knuckleheads Comedy Club in the Mall of America. The whole wing is a ghost town, with the exception of Hooters, which continues to thrive in it's own little softcore Red-Light District.

And now, a quick impression of every director of every Disney Channel sitcom:

That's great, but let's try it again, and this time, could you play it a little broader?

You know, I've been cracking wise about Minnesota fireworks for years, ever since they did the partial legalization, some time around ought-two. It comes in in the Omaha fireworks story:

Now, bear in mind, I live in Minnesota. We just legalized SPARKLERS and we're feeling all dangerous. HEY JIM, I'VE GOT SOME SNAKES!

Turns out, what you can buy here is a shade better than that. I'd never purchased fireworks here and they're really not lame. It's freaking AMAZING for a three year-old. One last-minute trip to Cub, one purchase of a $9.97 Patriot Bag, and I'm Hero of the Beach.

On a completely different tack, KARE 11? Are you out there KARE 11? Good, now listen closely...

[ahem]

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU IN THE EAR FOR TELLING THE HORRIFIC POOL ACCIDENT STORY WITHOUT ADEQUATE WARNING FOR VIEWERS.

Thank you for your attention.