Here's a little something to get you in the spirit of the season:

Vlad the E-Mailer

TO: service@HarkerRest.com
FROM: vlad@t-vanianet.com
RE: Wrong casket

I recently purchased the oak-finish RestfulPeace Deluxe from your Web site. But what received was not what I ordered. It is a similar model, but has a large etched design on the lid that was not in the picture on your site. How quickly can it be exchanged?


FROM: mina@HarkerRest.com
TO: vlad@t-vanianet.com
RE: RE: Wrong casket

Dear Sir,
We regret the error. Our Web site showed the Spring 2006 RestfulPeace Deluxe model. The 2007 model has been updated to include the etched cross on the lid. We regret that our Web site was not updated prior to your order. Please complete the Exchange Request form and fax or mail it to us at the address below. You will find the form, along with your receipt and several valuable coupons, packed inside the casket. Again, we are very sorry for any inconvenience.


TO: mina@HarkerRest.com
FROM: vlad@t-vanianet.com
RE: RE: RE: Wrong casket

Inside the casket? I can’t quite get to it at the moment. Isn’t there some other way we could handle it?


FROM: mina@HarkerRest.com
TO: vlad@t-vanianet.com
RE: RE: RE: RE: Wrong casket

I am sorry you're having trouble. This may be better if handled by phone. Please call our customer service line at the number listed below and we would be happy to help you.


TO: mina@HarkerRest.com
FROM: vlad@t-vanianet.com
RE: RE: RE RE: RE: Wrong casket

I tried your customer service line last night and got a recording indicating your office hours to be between 9:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. I work overnights. Is there any way we could settle this via e-mail?


FROM: mina@HarkerRest.com
TO: vlad@t-vanianet.com
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Wrong casket

We regret you are having problems with our system. Due to the danger of fraud we are only able to process exchanges either by telephone or via the paperwork included with the order.


TO: mina@HarkerRest.com
FROM: vlad@t-vanianet.com
RE: YOUR WILL IS MINE

MINA…YOU WILL SEND SOMEBODY TO PICK UP THE CASKET AND REPLACE IT WITH A DIFFERENT MODEL.

YOU WILL

YOU WILL


FROM: mina@HarkerRest.com
TO: vlad@t-vanianet.com
RE: RE: YOUR WILL IS MINE

I will send somebody to pick up the casket immediately.

I will.

I will.


FROM: MinaH, CSR
TO: DRenfield, Shipping Mgr
RE: CUSTOMER TICKET #1031

Please arrange courier delivery and pickup at address attached. Exchange ’07 RPDeluxe w/cross etching for Fall06 model.

As a matter of fact, check to see if we have any left with the optional EternaClear Crystal lid window. This customer has had a hard time and I'd like to upgrade his purchase as a courtesy.

Dateline: Madison

Okay, so I saw this sign today:



It took me a few hours before I realized that the sign probably meant that you were not supposed to go out and further plug the meter (in Minnesota we use the phrase "time limit" a little more directly). At least I hope that's what it really meant. The alternative is that it is genuinely stating the blindingly obvious.

Also, is the placement of the sticker random, or is it meant to transform the phrase from Vehicles may not remain in these stalls longer than the time limit of the meter into Vehicles may not remain in these stalls longer than the time limit of the me?

What is the time limit of the me, after all?

So I saw an ad for ExtenZe, the natural male enhancement pill. I've seen these ads for a while. They all imply, in the most exaggerated stage whisper in history, that they can make men larger in the jock.

Obviously, if something sounds too good to be true, it probably isn't. Still, it's all promoted with such a straight face that I just had to know, so I googled the product name, along with the word "fraud," and this was the only link. It's a site that debunks all the other male enhancement scams.

And then it offers its own solution to male enhancement.

Okay, so the Ziddio video (did they anticipate the cadence of that phrase when they named the site?) is a little wider than is comfortable on this page. It appears to be covering the side menu a little. Apologies. So, I'll just write something now to nudge it further down the page, shall I?

I am at Crackers in Indianapolis this week. If last night's show is any indicator, it should be a fun week.

Did another marathon drive to get here yesterday. Left the house at 4:00 a.m. and made the drive in eleven hours, door to door. I stop a lot. These old bones need to stretch from time to time, and I have the bladder capacity of a nervous german shepard. Fortunately, I don't piddle when showing submission.

I took a leap of faith and took a different route to get here. You see, when I'm planning my route, I am in a constant search of ways to avoid Chicago. Unfortunately, the worst thing about living in Minneapolis is that if you want to head to any point east of Lake Michigan, but north of Dixie, Yahoo! maps will send you through Chicago, which means a) tolls, b) unpredictable traffic and c) tolls. I hate all three of those things (so much that they create cognitive dissonance, apparently).

What I've been doing is driving through Iowa, through Cedar Rapids, Davenport and then across Illinois via Peoria and points East. It adds about 50 miles, but a) there are no tolls, b) it's a delay I can count on, rather than the kind of suprises Chicago traffic offers, and c) there are no tolls.

The other night, Neenie saw me doing my Yahoo! map for this trip and asked why didn't I go through Wisconsin, down to Rockford, IL and then keep going down to Bloomington and then head East? I said, "There's a toll road by Rockford." It sounded less reasonable coming out of my mouth than it had in my head, so I did the Yahoo! map for that route and lo and behold, it was only 30 miles longer than going through Chicago.

And the toll, it turns out, is a dollar.

New video up on the Media page.

If you wanted, you could even go to Ziddio and give the video a rating and/or comments. Hell, you can share it to Facebook, get a URL to share it with friends, embed it on your own site. The sky is the limit! You get free content and I get free promotion. Everybody wins.

Well, I win a bit more.

There's a magazine for everything. To look at the cover, it almost appears as though the magazine is written as though it is being published contemporaneously with the actual events of the Civil War, like the film They've Killed President Lincoln. Turns out, no.

Of course, in the South the magazine is known as War Between the States Times.

Bread in a can.

Judging from the image on the label, it's even got the impression of the can's shape, like cranberry sauce.

I made friends with the owner's cheery, happy 3-month old grandson tonight. Why was there a baby at a comedy club? It was the comedy club in Bettendorf, that's why. She needed somebody to hold him and I got to hang with a baby for a bit. That's the beauty of a family business.

Never be afraid to hold a baby. Nobody's going to hand you a baby that you can't handle. If there was a chance that you could do anything wrong, nobody's going to hand it over.

Comedy writer sues over 'Hannah Montana'


A comedy writer named Buddy Sheffield is suing The Walt Disney Co., alleging he came up with the idea for the teen television show "Hannah Montana" but was never compensated.

Sheffield, who has written for "The Smothers Brothers Show," "The Dolly Parton Show" and "In Living Color," says he pitched an idea for a television series called "Rock and Roland" to the Disney Channel in 2001. The story was about a junior high school student who lived a secret double life as a rock star, according to the lawsuit.

Disney Channel officials at first liked the idea, but ultimately passed on it, the lawsuit alleges.

The Disney Channel's "Hannah Montana" is about high school student Miley Stewart, who lives a secret double life as a famous pop star.

"Hannah Montana," starring Miley Cyrus and her father, country singer Billy Ray Cyrus, has generated two hit music CDs and helped sell a great deal of merchandise. Sheffield says he deserves a share of the revenue.

Buddy Sheffield filed the lawsuit in Los Angeles Superior Court on Thursday alleging breach of contract, breach of confidence, unfair competition and unjust enrichment.

Having seen "Hannah Montana," not to mention several other Disney Channel teen-sitcoms, I've been wanting to sue Disney for unjust enrichment, simply on general principle.

I've done a variation of this joke on my Myspace blog before, but here's a quick impression of every director of every sitcom on the Disney Channel: That's great, Carter...terrific stuff, Jawan...Rosalita, terrific work...Rondell, great as always. Now let's take it again everyone, but this time with more mugging. A LOT more mugging."

My Cub Foods had this model of Pepsi machine a few years back. It's long gone from my Cub, but there rests this example in the vending area of the Super 8 in Burlington, IA. Hell, it might be the same one.



It's difficult to see, but yes, that is a spurt, er, spray of soda erupting from the tip of the bottle he holds at his waist. There's a fine line between blatant and inadvertent sexuality in advertising. I wonder which this is.